Snark Watch

Snark Watch: September 2, 2020


While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 


While Watching


What Happened

  • Sonny, Carly, and Felix took Mike to the track, er, to the set that doubles as the Cassadine stables because Frank hired a horse. Jason disappeared at some point and was not on today.
  • Sonny and Mike’s scenes were sweet and reminded me of my grandmother which wasn’t fun, but I’m still not buying this story. I have lots of thoughts.
  • Anna and Robert were on, showing these fools how it’s done. Maxie and Peter were on, but who cares.
  • Lulu and Dustin visited Brook who remains salty.
  • Sasha and Chase talked about telling Michael and Willow the truth now that Nelle is gone. Chase hid in the bushes and realized that Willow is moving on (I’ll get to why), and Sasha went to talk Brook into giving Chase a chance because…I don’t know. Sasha’s weird, dude.
  • Carly and Sonny had a talk in the stables that was boring and I missed.
  • Michael and Willow talked about backgammon. I shit you not. Also, Michael pretended that he was close to Mike growing up which is a filthy lie.
  • Ned tried to talk Olivia out of going to see Dante because Olivia needs to stay in Port Charles and RAISE HIS KID because Ned is a selfish bitch who can’t be bothered to figure out how to run his own life. Olivia said, PEACE OUT, and left with Robert. They were the best part.
  • Previews: Sam’s back to whine about Valentin, Spinelli found something interesting on his computer, and Anna is going to see Alex in Berlin.

Thoughts

Uh, today seemed to be a transition show mostly. Reorienting things after the Nurse’s Ball and the kidnapping. The terrible group of idiots (Willow, Sasha, Michael, and Chase) were all on, talking about their situation. Setting things up so that Sasha can be depressed and alone so she can be a coke addict, while Chase flirts with Brook, and Michael and Willow play backgammon. (I just–)

The Mike storyline is winding down and we’re doing a lot of pretending about how much Sonny gave a shit about Mike at any point in his life. I think that’ll be my big article this weekend, but I’m honestly mixed on this. The performances are great, and they’ve clearly done their research because a lot of this feels like when I lost my grandmother. But it’s false because no one, including this show, ever gave a single fuck about Mike Corbin, and pretending differently is making it hard for me to care. Sometimes I do, but then they start talking about all these memories Sonny had with his father, and Carly is all — I love Mike, and Michael’s waxing poetic about his grandfather — to be honest — it’s all a retcon.

The Peter storyline was on, but I’m ignoring it exists until the show decides Peter is actually a villain. They can’t decide, and I’m not giving them any energy until they do.

The Ned and Olivia stuff is the best part of the show because it feels real, honest, and rooted in character. Plus, I’m intrigued by Olivia and Robert in scenes together. I don’t know why.

Snark Watch

Snark Watch: September 1, 2020


While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 


While Watching


What Happened

  • Neil actually DIED. Like for realsies. It’s so weird.
  • We have a new MacGuffin that we’re going to hearing about every five minutes until we stab ourselves. The new “blanket from the nursery” is Nina’s necklace which you can buy at Claire’s for $10. Jax has a jeweler who is tracing it to an artisan. Bitch, that was mass-produced in China like all of Claire’s jewelry.
  • Sam and Jason were so excited to be back together as a family that they both each abandoned their kids with someone (Monica?) to separate places. Sam, for some reason, was at her mother’s house even though that made no sense, and Jason went to hold Michael’s hand because Michael has no friends his own age.
  • Ned decided five minutes after Brook woke up to get mad because she won’t forgive him for being an asshole. And then got mad at Olivia who’s off to see Dante — the son she hasn’t seen for over a year. He was a real winner today.
  • The show is setting us up for Mike’s death by reminding us that Sonny REALLY loves his father. And so do Carly and Jason. Despite the fact that Ron Hale literally had five scenes with these fools between 2003-2010.
  • Willow and Michael are really boring.
  • Carly is being haunted by Nelle and not telling Sonny about the cliff, which both Jax and I support.
  • If I missed anything, it’s because it was boring and I passed out.

Thoughts

Well, Neil died. I mean, died in a way that’s unusual on this show. I don’t know what’s going on there. That didn’t get spoiled for me or anyone else I know. I don’t know if it’s because no one cares or if the show held it close to their chest. Both could also be true.

They’re really shoving Michael and Willow down our throats, which makes me mad because I love a marriage of convenience story and this is a bust from to top to bottom. I’m glad I’m not a fan of Jason and Sam as a couple because I’d be REALLY pissed if my couple were held apart by circumstances for the better part of three years, and they don’t get more than one scene at home before getting up at dawn to abandon their kids with someone to be with other people.

I do not, in the slightest, care about Nina’s kid or this necklace. Is it Willow? Is it Nelle? Are they twins? Like — no. I don’t give a shit. I tried, but I can’t do it.

Ned being a pushy Quartermaine who demands Brook pay attention to him and that Olivia think only of him — that was an unwelcome return to the version of Ned I’ve never liked. But at least it’s something and people are mad at each other, so I’ll take it.

Site News

Snark Watch: August 31, 2020


While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 


While Watching


What Happened

  • Carly lied to Valerie about what happened with Nelle, but Val looks suspicious. I think she was anyway. The camera barely let the girl on screen.
  • She also didn’t tell Sonny yet. She will. But didn’t on today’s show.
  • Michael and Willow might have kissed. It’s hard to tell — we don’t get to see those anymore. Which I’m good with. No one needs that.
  • Neil and Alexis got back together, had sex, and we didn’t have to watch Alexis hyperventilate like a crazy person.
  • Jason moved back home, and he told Sam about Taggert being alive. Expect Sam to fuck up that whole thing in about six seconds.
  • Also Sam screamed at Valentin because he had the nerve to have an ulterior motive. (I would have thought it was implicit in the last name but she’s always been dumb.)
  • Sonny visited Mike even though it’s still the same night as the Nurse’s Ball and told him it’s okay to let go. I think he’s holding on for a hero.
  • Valentin and Nina argued again about how he’s a liar, and Valentin was big mad that Jax might have a lead on Nina’s kid. Because it’s the winning that matters, not the finding. Asshole.
  • And the search found the necklace — so I guess Nelle is Nina’s daughter? Joy.
  • We ended on the next morning with Alexis and Neil — and he’s cold in the bed. Like — is he dead? I can’t–This show.

Thoughts

This was a boring show bookmarked by bouts of nightmares. Valentin and Nina are still having the same conversation they always had. Jason and Sam are at least finally back together after three years of STeve being back, so I hope JaSam fans are happy. The rest of us are bored, so…there’s that.

Literally — the only thing worth noting is that Carly lied to the cops and Jax knows it. Then she didn’t tell Sonny right away.  That’s it. That’s the only thing that matters.

Valerie was on. But the camera barely let her enjoy her air time.

I don’t know. It wasn’t a good episode. I think it was supposed to be. But the couples on this show are weak, boring, and bland, so a show that should have been sweet, romantic moments just fell flat.

Oh, and Neil might be dead. So if that bothers you — *shrugs*

This Week

The Tragedy of Nelle Benson & The Kidnapping That Wasn’t

Each week, I’m going to pick out the A story on General Hospital and break it down. Was it successful? Was it a flop? How did it effect the characters? What are the implications?

What Happened

Last Friday, Nelle slashed Brook Lynn ‘s throat while her reluctant husband kidnapped Wiley from his (apparently) unguarded bed at the Quartermaine Mansion. Cursed by second thoughts, Julian monologued while threatening to kill Nelle, giving the undead Taggert time to tackle him and get shot. Nelle got away with Wiley in tow, leading everyone on a chase to a cabin that apparently was well-known to Michael and his family. Nelle abandoned Wiley to Michael and took off, hoping to fight another day. Carly, having caught up with Nelle and Michael, went after her. They fought, verbally and physically (Carly got a caught to the kick we all enjoyed) before Nelle accidently fell off a cliff and slipped away to a likely (but probably not) death.  Jax caught up and attempted to talk Carly into not telling the authorities she fought with Nelle, hoping to save his ex-wife from the police and a murder charge.

Why It Bombed

I have never watched a show that was so capable of putting delicious ingredients into a pot, and then dumping a whole bunch of literal shit on top to ruin the meal.  Of all the soaps that returned this week, General Hospital should have been the most poised for success. Kidnappings, throat slashings, hostile company takeovers, the Nurse’s Ball — this August return should have been epic.

It was not.

The problem with this story is the pacing. At the end of the day, General Hospital kills its own momentum. We spent an entire day of Julian monologuing to Nelle, threatening to kill her and turn Wiley back over to his parents, slowing the story down. No one thought Julian was ever going to do this, so it was a waste of space.

We had Willow hanging out at the Q mansion so she could be visited by Nina and Lulu so we could what…? Make sure Cynthia Watros and Emme Rylan got those minimums? Willow should have been with Michael. This was the show’s chance to show this marriage of convenience in action. Why do I want Michael and Willow together? I don’t. Because they’re just boring. But show me them working together–understanding each other–comforting each other.

Instead of this being Michael and Willow’s story, this was Carly’s story. Michael was just hanging out in the background, like he always does.

Nelle went to the cabin that Michael had taken her to…? Why, exactly? Why not head straight for the airport or for the Canadian border? She had passports! She could have kept driving straight out of New York! When you write your characters as stupid all of the time, there’s never any threat. I knew Nelle wasn’t going to get away. Because she’s up against the almighty Corinthos clan, and they’re not allowed to lose.

Also — Carly and Sonny should never be allowed into the Quartermaine mansion unless they’re breaking in. Monica does not get to slap them enough for the bullshit with AJ, and when Carly took Monica to the hospital, I almost threw up.

People are too nice to each other on this show, and considering Carly drugged AJ, lied to him repeatedly, cheated on him, and had his parental rights terminated through violent threats, I really think it’s okay if Monica doesn’t like her. (And of course — COVERED UP HIS MURDER AND LIED ABOUT HIS FINAL WORDS). Michael should be torn between his Corinthos and Quartermaine families repeatedly but — everyone is happy?

So this story bombed because it focused on the wrong characters in the wrong settings, and wasted space with a Julian threat that was never going to work.

What Almost Worked

While I would have liked to see Michael finally taking charge of his own life (did anyone else have flashbacks to the Wiley reveal when Carly just yelled the whole time?), at the end of the day, he was always a pawn in Nelle’s plan. This was always a Nelle vs. Carly storyline, and I can live with that idea.

And that brings us to the tragedy of Nelle Benson who deserved so much better, and to the disaster of Carly Corinthos, who used to be so much more.

Nelle is supposed to be Carly’s adopted half-sister, raised by Carly’s adopted father, Frank Benson. She was supposed to be the second coming of Carly Roberts, the hellion who blew into town in 1996 and destroyed everyone she touched. Nelle did what she was supposed to do — and she even followed Carly’s playbook. She drugged a man to make him think a lie, she got pregnant in order to secure her position, she manipulated people into thinking she was something special, and did it all with a twinkle in her eye.

I’m sorry — is that not Carly’s origin story?

On Thursday, Nelle threw this story in Carly’s face, and Carly told her that she (Carly) had turned a corner and wasn’t that person anymore. And you know, there’s a time I would have believed that. Tamara Braun’s version of Carly? Still conniving, still scheming, but there was a heart underneath. Even early during Laura Wright’s tenure, they played that beat a few times. And Sarah Joy Brown pioneered the misunderstood vixen who manage to grab us while being completely insane.

After twenty-four years, yeah, I guess Carly should be redeemed.

And this brings me to my major problem with General Hospital: these writers fundamentally don’t understand the concept of redemption. Redemption might be a noun, but the act of redeeming is a verb that requires constant attention.

Redemption is not a one and done act. Carly does not get to be a nice person for five minutes out of every year, and all her crimes are swept under the rug. She does not get to blame Ava for Morgan’s downfall while never accepting her own accountability for AJ’s break in sobriety in 1997. AJ jumped off a cliff, yeah, but Carly and Sonny shoved him right to the edge over and over again (with a lot of help from Jason).

The show thinks a character can simply say I’m sorry and be done. That’s not how redemption works. And it’s why pretending Carly “turned” a corner rings hollow and false. Five years ago, she was actively covering up the murder of the man her son knew and loved as a father. She helped frame someone else to go to jail. And Michael was the one that had to forgive her. Carly and Sonny did nothing to earn his forgiveness — Michael offered it on his own.

And that’s the ultimate tragedy of Nelle Benson and all her failed attempts to bring accountability to Carly’s life. She should have been the mirror held up to Carly to show her that without Jason standing by her no matter what, she would be Nelle. Nelle never had a Jason. Imagine who she could have been with someone who always supported her, even when she didn’t deserve it?

This should have been a triumph for Carly. Instead, it was another reminder that this show does not understand the character of Carly Corinthos or why anyone ever liked her.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s hard to tell — because I used to be better at predicting what General Hospital would do. They never went with the messiest choice or the one I would make, but usually, the writers would pick something dramatic to do. Lately, the show decides to go with the choices that will give us the least interesting fall out.

What should happen is that Jax and Carly cover up Nelle’s death, hiding the truth from everyone including Sonny, Jason, and Michael. This drives a wedge between Sonny and Carly, brings Jax and Carly closer while paving the way for Nelle to come back one day and have her final revenge on the Corinthos family.

What will happen on Monday? Eh, Carly will probably tell Valerie the truth, Valerie may or may not believe her, and Sonny will give her a cookie for telling the truth. Who knows? I know what I want to happen, so so we’ll see.

 

Snark Watch

SNARK WATCH: August 28, 2020

I also live tweet while I watch the show, so follow me on Twitter.


While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 


While Watching

Segment 1

  • I have no idea what time of day things are happening. Is this the same night Wiley was kidnapped? And why hasn’t Michael called Willow yet if Sonny had time to get to the cabin? Adore Carly and Jax together — this would be a great way to shake up the canvas.
  • Every time I see Lulu on the screen, I immediately want to reach for the remote, so I’d like if Dante would complete this mission.
  • I don’t know where we’re going with Jordan and Jason, but, uh, I’m not mad about it.
  • I want to like Portia. I haven’t seen enough of her yet, but I have high hopes. I don’t know why. You’d think they’d beaten out of me by this point–

Segment 2

  • The only time that Sam doesn’t annoy me is in scenes with Alexis and her sisters.
  • Why aren’t more people annoyed Jason checked himself out AMA?
  • Oh, I guess Sam is?
  • I’m just so happy to have Taggert and Jason on the show again for the first time since 2003. Every time he calls him Anger Boy, I get happy smiles. They’ll ruin it, but I’m gonna enjoy it while I can.
  • VALERIE IS STILL ON THIS SHOW? Also, please call Willow? HOW THE HELL–
  • I guess Michael’s balls are on the shelf next to Jason’s in Carly’s closet…?
  • Oh, good — he remembers he’s married.
  • I hate Lulu. This was a terrible recast seven years ago, and we’re still being punished.
  • I would very much like Carly and Jax to be together because he calls her on her bullshit in a way that doesn’t sound like a patronizing dickwad. (I’m looking at you Sonny)
  • I hope Jax covers up Nelle’s death and Carly’s part in it and she lies to Sonny, because we need some drama and conflict on this show like NOW. Or maybe Sonny won’t believe she didn’t do it — ANYTHING PLEASE. I’m so fucking bored.

Segment 3

  • This trick really has the nerve to be mad at Jason about something? After everything she’s done? Good GOD. I hate this couple.
  • I need Steve’s hair to grow faster.
  • Sam KNOWS Alexis is going to think this was the worst thing ever because it is. You sold your kids and Michael down the river to sit with the man for 12 hours by the bed. You’re an idiot. Desperate and dumb since 2003.
  • I hate how short these scenes are. We need fewer people on every day with longer scenes. You could cut minimums in the contracts and tell better, more balanced stories.
  • I don’t mind Jason and Jordan working under the table together. I do mind Michael just selling his damn mother down the river  — YEAH SHE WENT AFTER NELLE YOU DUMB FUCK WHY ARE YOU TELLING THE COPS???

Segment 4

  • I’m guessing we didn’t know Portia and Curtis were a thing since we’re getting a recap. I can’t really sense any chemistry between them yet, but I don’t think there’s a lack of it either.
  • I need Alexis to have a grown up romance one day.
  • They’re wasting the fuck out of Dante’s return—oh WAIT–WSB wants him to go back on assignment? Really? REALLY. Wow. They’re dumb.
  • Like that Carly is pointing out cover-ups never work. Especially when Carly is involved. That’s something I miss about her character. Carly’s plans were epic fails and fun to watch.

Segment 5

  • This segment is boring. I’m sorry. Just not a lot to snark about. Michael is being stupid. It’s a day that ends in Y. He’s way too cooperative with the police. He’s gonna help Carly right into the electric chair at this rate.
  • Oh. Neil. Great. The teen romance continues.
  • Can I have a conversation with the wardrobe department? Because I have lots of questions.

Segment 6

  • Are Portia and Curtis drinking coffee at 2 AM? WHAT DAY IS THIS???
  • Jordan, you wanna scream this plan a little louder? Lord.
  • This the most interesting Jordan has ever been, so I guess we got that going for us.
  • I love Alexis. I just wish she weren’t written to be so damn dumb all the time.
  • Sam needs to get a life. I mean, that.
  • Oooh…are Jax and Carly just gonna be like — nope, never saw Nelle? Oh, man, I hope Carly is gonna lie to Sonny. Let me have nice things.

Segment 7

  • Can we stop disbarring Alexis?
  • I wonder what the GH writer’s room looks like.
  • Trina throwing snark at Curtis every five minutes gives me life.
  • Uh, weird flex to end the conversation —
  • It’s nice to see Jason having scenes with people who aren’t…the others.
  • Weird camera angle on Jason’s exit.
  • I love Dante, but I am bored AF by this return. Can we just get it going–
  • I wish I liked Dustin. I was a huge Brody fan back in the day, but anyone who finds Lulu interesting makes me want to set them on fire.
  • MICHAEL BROUGHT WILEY HOME AND DIDN’T WAKE WILLOW UP? JFC. I HATE HIM–

Previews

  • Oooh, is Jason going to lie to Sam?
  • Please, please, please lie to the cops, Carly. I need someone to do something interesting!

What Happened

  • Portia and Curtis went into detail about their affair and now Portia knows that Jordan knows.
  • Jason confronted Jordan about Taggert being alive, and promised to help her bring him back and keep her secrets.
  • Sam complained to Alexis that Jason checked himself out to look for Wiley and she hasn’t heard from him. Because she has no damn life and no other friends.
  • Neil came over to see if Alexis might want to try again. Because we’re sixteen.
  • Jax told Carly they need to cover up Nelle’s fall off the cliff.
  • Michael was dumb for the entire episode. It turns out Valerie is still on this show.
  • Lulu visited Willow for some dumbass reason.
  • Dante refused a WSB assignment on someone close to him, but did agree to treatment finally. (WTF HAS HE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST YEAR?)

Thoughts

Today was not terrible. I liked the energy with Carly and Jax. I’m hoping Carly agrees to the cover-up of Nelle’s “death” so that there’s some secrets being kept. I hope she lies to Sonny. I want something interesting for these characters, and if Brenda came back, I think we could really shake up this trio. Plus, Nina interests me not at all.

I’m also interested in the energy between Jason and Jordan because clearly Sam is finally realizing she’s not first in Jason’s life, no matter what she sacrifices. Obviously, we’re doing something with Portia and Curtis but I need to see more because I can tell you whether it’s worth watching.

I think it’s Jason’s turn to get a new love interest — the man hasn’t had a new woman in his life since 2004, and it’s not fair, tbh. He’s only been with Robin, Carly, Courtney, Sam, and Elizabeth, and he’s known all of those women since at least 2003. He needs something new. I also like the idea that he’s flirting with cooperating with the police and seeing his skills used for good for a change.

Michael is stupid. He’s mayonnaise wrapped in marshmallow stupid, and he talks too much all the time. If Carly gets blamed for Nelle’s death, it’s going to be because his dumbass decided to tell the cops his mom went after Nelle. I swear to God–

I have no thoughts on Dante or Lulu. Dominic Zamprogna is back, but I don’t know for how long and this man deserves a new love interest, too. He’s only really been with Lulu. We never got to enjoy Valerie and Brook as real options. So I hope we’re closing the book on Lante.

We need some serious shake ups — the last major break up was Valentin and Nina. I know Michael and Willow broke up with their people, but that was Sasha and Chase forcing it. Couples on a soap have a shelf life. They should rotate every few years.

Characters · General Hospital

Do I Like Sam?

I was having a Twitter back and forth a few days ago with a Jason/Sam fan about Kelly Monaco’s push to “clean up” the Sam character about a decade ago. I found myself writing a tweet that agreed with that poster that some of the things Sam did in 2006-08 were out of character, and then I started to wonder if I was being a hypocrite or trying to avoid an argument because I know I’ve written other tweets/comments regarding this time period being my favorite Sam stuff.

I found myself trying to figure out if I really do actually like the character of Sam or have I convinced myself to push my opinion above toleration because General Hospital has put her at the forefront for the better part of fifteen years? Am I gaslighting myself into liking a character I actually don’t?

I haven’t really done a lot of thinking about Sam. I don’t write a lot of fanfiction with her which means I haven’t had to break down her character. The one story where she plays a role is All We Are, and I’ll be the first to admit that that was not a story that did either Sam or the Jason/Sam relationship a lot of justice. But I have some stories in the pipeline where I include Sam and I have to do a better job of understanding her.

So do I like Sam? I don’t know. Maybe? Buckle up, this is a long one.

Continue reading “Do I Like Sam?”

General Hospital · If I Wrote The Show

If I Wrote GH: The Search for Faison

Originally posted June 27, 2018.

Picking up where last week ended, we are now in October. There are several pieces of the story happening at once.

To recap, Joss, Cam, and Oscar started the ball rolling by investigating  the possibility that Andrew Cain and Jason Morgan are related. They’ve brought in Spinelli to assist them. Once Spinelli confirms they went missing at the same time and that they are identical twins (a simple DNA test would prove that Jake and Oscar are brothers — they’re actually cousins, but Jason and Drew share identical DNA), they go up the food chain.

Carly and Sonny are eager to jump on this, while PC!Jason (who from now on will be referred to as Drew) is more mixed up about it. He believes that Andrew Cain exists, he just can’t understand how any of this is happening. Sam is in denial. Drew is not Jason. She’s married to Jason, end of story. Oscar’s mom, Kim, Drew’s wife, has gone to Jordan to start an investigation. Jordan and Carly both independently have turned to Anna at the WSB for more information.

Franco is involved because he’s been having strange memories all summer–memories of a little boy, memories of a lab, memories of pain, etc. He and Elizabeth have been drifting apart after the death of Audrey in June. He’s angry when Elizabeth talks to him about Andrew and Jason. He hates when Jason comes into their life. He’s already given into the urge once and killed someone. He learns from Betsy that up until about 2011, he always knew who Drew was. That his obsession with Jason began because Franco knew Drew was Jason’s twin brother.

Continue reading “If I Wrote GH: The Search for Faison”

General Hospital · If I Wrote The Show

If I Wrote GH: Jason Really Has A Twin

Originally posted June 21, 2018

It’s no secret that Steve Burton’s hyped return to the show last fall has fizzled out. After a relatively promising start (there was about two weeks where it was can’t miss television for me) sometime in December/January, the story started to take a turn. It became a story about Franco’s past, about Anna’s past, about Nathan’s past.

What it hasn’t been is a story about Jason or Drew. I have lots of ways I would have written this story, some of which are in progress, but if I wanted to hit some of the same beats the show did — i.e. turn this into a major umbrella story that revisited the back stories of popular characters, here’s how I would have done it.

Story Assignment

It turns out that Jason isn’t really Jason — he’s Jason’s twin brother whom Heather gave to Betsy Frank to raise along with Heather’s son Franco. Jason has been kept in some sort of captivity for the last five years in a Russian clinic. He is freed by Ava, returns home to dig out the truth, learns about Danny and Jake. Meanwhile, the Jason in Port Charles finds out he’s a missing Navy S.E.A.L. named Andrew Cain. Their story should involve Andre, Anna, Faison, and Nathan along with the rest of Jason’s family. Franco should also play a role in this story. 

Continue reading “If I Wrote GH: Jason Really Has A Twin”