Snark Watch

Snark Watch: September 2, 2020

While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 

While Watching

What Happened

  • Sonny, Carly, and Felix took Mike to the track, er, to the set that doubles as the Cassadine stables because Frank hired a horse. Jason disappeared at some point and was not on today.
  • Sonny and Mike’s scenes were sweet and reminded me of my grandmother which wasn’t fun, but I’m still not buying this story. I have lots of thoughts.
  • Anna and Robert were on, showing these fools how it’s done. Maxie and Peter were on, but who cares.
  • Lulu and Dustin visited Brook who remains salty.
  • Sasha and Chase talked about telling Michael and Willow the truth now that Nelle is gone. Chase hid in the bushes and realized that Willow is moving on (I’ll get to why), and Sasha went to talk Brook into giving Chase a chance because…I don’t know. Sasha’s weird, dude.
  • Carly and Sonny had a talk in the stables that was boring and I missed.
  • Michael and Willow talked about backgammon. I shit you not. Also, Michael pretended that he was close to Mike growing up which is a filthy lie.
  • Ned tried to talk Olivia out of going to see Dante because Olivia needs to stay in Port Charles and RAISE HIS KID because Ned is a selfish bitch who can’t be bothered to figure out how to run his own life. Olivia said, PEACE OUT, and left with Robert. They were the best part.
  • Previews: Sam’s back to whine about Valentin, Spinelli found something interesting on his computer, and Anna is going to see Alex in Berlin.


Uh, today seemed to be a transition show mostly. Reorienting things after the Nurse’s Ball and the kidnapping. The terrible group of idiots (Willow, Sasha, Michael, and Chase) were all on, talking about their situation. Setting things up so that Sasha can be depressed and alone so she can be a coke addict, while Chase flirts with Brook, and Michael and Willow play backgammon. (I just–)

The Mike storyline is winding down and we’re doing a lot of pretending about how much Sonny gave a shit about Mike at any point in his life. I think that’ll be my big article this weekend, but I’m honestly mixed on this. The performances are great, and they’ve clearly done their research because a lot of this feels like when I lost my grandmother. But it’s false because no one, including this show, ever gave a single fuck about Mike Corbin, and pretending differently is making it hard for me to care. Sometimes I do, but then they start talking about all these memories Sonny had with his father, and Carly is all — I love Mike, and Michael’s waxing poetic about his grandfather — to be honest — it’s all a retcon.

The Peter storyline was on, but I’m ignoring it exists until the show decides Peter is actually a villain. They can’t decide, and I’m not giving them any energy until they do.

The Ned and Olivia stuff is the best part of the show because it feels real, honest, and rooted in character. Plus, I’m intrigued by Olivia and Robert in scenes together. I don’t know why.

Snark Watch

Snark Watch: September 1, 2020

While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 

While Watching

What Happened

  • Neil actually DIED. Like for realsies. It’s so weird.
  • We have a new MacGuffin that we’re going to hearing about every five minutes until we stab ourselves. The new “blanket from the nursery” is Nina’s necklace which you can buy at Claire’s for $10. Jax has a jeweler who is tracing it to an artisan. Bitch, that was mass-produced in China like all of Claire’s jewelry.
  • Sam and Jason were so excited to be back together as a family that they both each abandoned their kids with someone (Monica?) to separate places. Sam, for some reason, was at her mother’s house even though that made no sense, and Jason went to hold Michael’s hand because Michael has no friends his own age.
  • Ned decided five minutes after Brook woke up to get mad because she won’t forgive him for being an asshole. And then got mad at Olivia who’s off to see Dante — the son she hasn’t seen for over a year. He was a real winner today.
  • The show is setting us up for Mike’s death by reminding us that Sonny REALLY loves his father. And so do Carly and Jason. Despite the fact that Ron Hale literally had five scenes with these fools between 2003-2010.
  • Willow and Michael are really boring.
  • Carly is being haunted by Nelle and not telling Sonny about the cliff, which both Jax and I support.
  • If I missed anything, it’s because it was boring and I passed out.


Well, Neil died. I mean, died in a way that’s unusual on this show. I don’t know what’s going on there. That didn’t get spoiled for me or anyone else I know. I don’t know if it’s because no one cares or if the show held it close to their chest. Both could also be true.

They’re really shoving Michael and Willow down our throats, which makes me mad because I love a marriage of convenience story and this is a bust from to top to bottom. I’m glad I’m not a fan of Jason and Sam as a couple because I’d be REALLY pissed if my couple were held apart by circumstances for the better part of three years, and they don’t get more than one scene at home before getting up at dawn to abandon their kids with someone to be with other people.

I do not, in the slightest, care about Nina’s kid or this necklace. Is it Willow? Is it Nelle? Are they twins? Like — no. I don’t give a shit. I tried, but I can’t do it.

Ned being a pushy Quartermaine who demands Brook pay attention to him and that Olivia think only of him — that was an unwelcome return to the version of Ned I’ve never liked. But at least it’s something and people are mad at each other, so I’ll take it.

Snark Watch

SNARK WATCH: August 28, 2020

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While Watching | What Happened | Thoughts 

While Watching

Segment 1

  • I have no idea what time of day things are happening. Is this the same night Wiley was kidnapped? And why hasn’t Michael called Willow yet if Sonny had time to get to the cabin? Adore Carly and Jax together — this would be a great way to shake up the canvas.
  • Every time I see Lulu on the screen, I immediately want to reach for the remote, so I’d like if Dante would complete this mission.
  • I don’t know where we’re going with Jordan and Jason, but, uh, I’m not mad about it.
  • I want to like Portia. I haven’t seen enough of her yet, but I have high hopes. I don’t know why. You’d think they’d beaten out of me by this point–

Segment 2

  • The only time that Sam doesn’t annoy me is in scenes with Alexis and her sisters.
  • Why aren’t more people annoyed Jason checked himself out AMA?
  • Oh, I guess Sam is?
  • I’m just so happy to have Taggert and Jason on the show again for the first time since 2003. Every time he calls him Anger Boy, I get happy smiles. They’ll ruin it, but I’m gonna enjoy it while I can.
  • VALERIE IS STILL ON THIS SHOW? Also, please call Willow? HOW THE HELL–
  • I guess Michael’s balls are on the shelf next to Jason’s in Carly’s closet…?
  • Oh, good — he remembers he’s married.
  • I hate Lulu. This was a terrible recast seven years ago, and we’re still being punished.
  • I would very much like Carly and Jax to be together because he calls her on her bullshit in a way that doesn’t sound like a patronizing dickwad. (I’m looking at you Sonny)
  • I hope Jax covers up Nelle’s death and Carly’s part in it and she lies to Sonny, because we need some drama and conflict on this show like NOW. Or maybe Sonny won’t believe she didn’t do it — ANYTHING PLEASE. I’m so fucking bored.

Segment 3

  • This trick really has the nerve to be mad at Jason about something? After everything she’s done? Good GOD. I hate this couple.
  • I need Steve’s hair to grow faster.
  • Sam KNOWS Alexis is going to think this was the worst thing ever because it is. You sold your kids and Michael down the river to sit with the man for 12 hours by the bed. You’re an idiot. Desperate and dumb since 2003.
  • I hate how short these scenes are. We need fewer people on every day with longer scenes. You could cut minimums in the contracts and tell better, more balanced stories.
  • I don’t mind Jason and Jordan working under the table together. I do mind Michael just selling his damn mother down the river  — YEAH SHE WENT AFTER NELLE YOU DUMB FUCK WHY ARE YOU TELLING THE COPS???

Segment 4

  • I’m guessing we didn’t know Portia and Curtis were a thing since we’re getting a recap. I can’t really sense any chemistry between them yet, but I don’t think there’s a lack of it either.
  • I need Alexis to have a grown up romance one day.
  • They’re wasting the fuck out of Dante’s return—oh WAIT–WSB wants him to go back on assignment? Really? REALLY. Wow. They’re dumb.
  • Like that Carly is pointing out cover-ups never work. Especially when Carly is involved. That’s something I miss about her character. Carly’s plans were epic fails and fun to watch.

Segment 5

  • This segment is boring. I’m sorry. Just not a lot to snark about. Michael is being stupid. It’s a day that ends in Y. He’s way too cooperative with the police. He’s gonna help Carly right into the electric chair at this rate.
  • Oh. Neil. Great. The teen romance continues.
  • Can I have a conversation with the wardrobe department? Because I have lots of questions.

Segment 6

  • Are Portia and Curtis drinking coffee at 2 AM? WHAT DAY IS THIS???
  • Jordan, you wanna scream this plan a little louder? Lord.
  • This the most interesting Jordan has ever been, so I guess we got that going for us.
  • I love Alexis. I just wish she weren’t written to be so damn dumb all the time.
  • Sam needs to get a life. I mean, that.
  • Oooh…are Jax and Carly just gonna be like — nope, never saw Nelle? Oh, man, I hope Carly is gonna lie to Sonny. Let me have nice things.

Segment 7

  • Can we stop disbarring Alexis?
  • I wonder what the GH writer’s room looks like.
  • Trina throwing snark at Curtis every five minutes gives me life.
  • Uh, weird flex to end the conversation —
  • It’s nice to see Jason having scenes with people who aren’t…the others.
  • Weird camera angle on Jason’s exit.
  • I love Dante, but I am bored AF by this return. Can we just get it going–
  • I wish I liked Dustin. I was a huge Brody fan back in the day, but anyone who finds Lulu interesting makes me want to set them on fire.


  • Oooh, is Jason going to lie to Sam?
  • Please, please, please lie to the cops, Carly. I need someone to do something interesting!

What Happened

  • Portia and Curtis went into detail about their affair and now Portia knows that Jordan knows.
  • Jason confronted Jordan about Taggert being alive, and promised to help her bring him back and keep her secrets.
  • Sam complained to Alexis that Jason checked himself out to look for Wiley and she hasn’t heard from him. Because she has no damn life and no other friends.
  • Neil came over to see if Alexis might want to try again. Because we’re sixteen.
  • Jax told Carly they need to cover up Nelle’s fall off the cliff.
  • Michael was dumb for the entire episode. It turns out Valerie is still on this show.
  • Lulu visited Willow for some dumbass reason.
  • Dante refused a WSB assignment on someone close to him, but did agree to treatment finally. (WTF HAS HE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST YEAR?)


Today was not terrible. I liked the energy with Carly and Jax. I’m hoping Carly agrees to the cover-up of Nelle’s “death” so that there’s some secrets being kept. I hope she lies to Sonny. I want something interesting for these characters, and if Brenda came back, I think we could really shake up this trio. Plus, Nina interests me not at all.

I’m also interested in the energy between Jason and Jordan because clearly Sam is finally realizing she’s not first in Jason’s life, no matter what she sacrifices. Obviously, we’re doing something with Portia and Curtis but I need to see more because I can tell you whether it’s worth watching.

I think it’s Jason’s turn to get a new love interest — the man hasn’t had a new woman in his life since 2004, and it’s not fair, tbh. He’s only been with Robin, Carly, Courtney, Sam, and Elizabeth, and he’s known all of those women since at least 2003. He needs something new. I also like the idea that he’s flirting with cooperating with the police and seeing his skills used for good for a change.

Michael is stupid. He’s mayonnaise wrapped in marshmallow stupid, and he talks too much all the time. If Carly gets blamed for Nelle’s death, it’s going to be because his dumbass decided to tell the cops his mom went after Nelle. I swear to God–

I have no thoughts on Dante or Lulu. Dominic Zamprogna is back, but I don’t know for how long and this man deserves a new love interest, too. He’s only really been with Lulu. We never got to enjoy Valerie and Brook as real options. So I hope we’re closing the book on Lante.

We need some serious shake ups — the last major break up was Valentin and Nina. I know Michael and Willow broke up with their people, but that was Sasha and Chase forcing it. Couples on a soap have a shelf life. They should rotate every few years.